


In Which Dean is Sad and Cas is Oblivious

by That_loser



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Best Friends, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, How Do I Tag, I promise, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lots of Angst, M/M, Oblivious Castiel, Pining Dean, Roommates, Sad, Sad Dean, There will be a happy ending, Tropes, cas just dates a lot, introspective, just please read it, just tons of it, those are tags lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-21 09:15:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11354409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_loser/pseuds/That_loser
Summary: Dean is pathetically in love with his best friend and roommate Castiel. He is not only forced to watch as Cas goes on innumerable dates, but also to be there for him when almost every relationship fails."In his fantasies, Cas would kiss him silly and say, "it's always been you." But this was not a fantasy. Dean knew too well what was likely to happen: The awkward tension, the "I don't like you like that speech", the eventual end of their friendship- Cas would feel guilty for not feeling a certain way and Dean would feel too heartbroken. So Dean kept his confession to himself. His heart already belonged to Cas."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! i'm so glad you gave my story a chance! before you begin (if anyone read these notes): yes there is swearing and i won't apologize for it; also this chapter is almost 100% angst soooo errr enjoy?
> 
> IMPORTANT CLARIFICATIONS:  
> italicized phrases generally mean that that is the character's thoughts  
> line breaks imply change in character POV

‘ _Another day, another date_.'

Dean watched wistfully as his best friend and roommate, dressed to the nines, waltzed out the door on the arm of some smooth-voiced, upper-class jerk. Ok so maybe Dean was biased, maybe this Michael guy would treat Cas right, would treat him like Dean wanted to treat him. 

Still wallowing in his thoughts, Dean collapsed on the couch with a sigh. He knew he was too old to pout, he was twenty-six after all. However he was at his limit. If only he'd gather the courage to ever confess his feelings to Cas, maybe things would be different. But Dean knew better.

* * *

 

_ "Dean! Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?" Cas grunted. "You're supposed to be giving me advice! You know my social skills are lacking." _

 

_ "Sorry, Cas, what was the problem again?" Dean replied, leaning on his locker as students rushed around them.  _

 

_ With a sigh, Cas repeated, "You know how I was telling you about that crush I had?"  _

 

_ Deans heart beat a bit faster at these words ' _ please be me, please say what I've been too cowardly to admit for years' _. Clearing his throat, Dean urged, "Yeah?"  _

 

_ "Well, I was considering asking them to prom, but I'm not sure they will say yes.." Dean leaned ever closer, willing Cas to ask him, to hope he will say his name. "Do you think Daphne would accept me if I offered?"  _

 

_ Dean stumbled slightly away, as if he were just slapped. "Uh, yeah man, who'd be dumb enough to say no to you?" Dean, cleared his throat, trying to recover.  _

 

_Cas, oblivious to Dean's turmoil, thanked him for his help and wandered off to his next class. As soon as Cas rounded the corner and was out of sight, Dean slumped against the lockers with a sigh. Pinching the bridge of his nose and swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat, Dean berated himself,_  'Stupid to get your hopes up like that'.

* * *

 

After Daphne, Cas had dated Hannah as a freshman in college. They met in Key Club, a volunteering service. Dean had watched as Cas fell in love and started drifting away, only to come back when Hannah decided the missionary life was for her, rather than a stationary one with Cas. Cas had been heart broken, binge watching Disney movies and consuming unhealthy amounts of chocolate. Through it all Dean had been at his side, offering a comforting shoulder and a listening ear. 

Following Hannah, Cas seemed to have realized his bisexuality and dated Balthazar a few months later. Dean's chest cavity crumbled when he found out. Hollowed out, Dean avoided Cas for a week. ' _Cas wanted men, he just didn't want me'_. Cas was lost as to why, considering Dean himself had proven to be bi back in high school. When Dean had sufficiently rebuilt his walls, he crawled back to Cas to apologize, claiming shock and stress as factors. Dean redeemed himself when Balthazar inevitably dumped Cas for a "hotter piece of ass". Dean had the Disney movies lined on the coffee table of their shared apartment and chocolate on the counter. 

They spent the weekend (platonically) cuddling on the couch and binging. Whilst sitting with a sleepy Cas in his lap, Dean was sorely tempted to blurt out the truth, to just come out and say, "Cas, I’m in love with you, I have been since we were 16, please give us a chance." In his fantasies, Cas would kiss him silly and say, "it's always been you." But this was not a fantasy. Dean knew too well what was likely to happen: The awkward tension, the "I don't like you like that speech", the eventual end of their friendship- Cas would feel guilty for not feeling a certain way and Dean would feel too heartbroken. So Dean kept his confession to himself. His heart already belonged to Cas. 

After Balthazar, there was Ion, then Sarah, then Mick, then countless others, and after every one, every single one, Dean would pick up the pieces of Cas that others had so callously shattered. Had Dean ever once thought that Cas would return his feelings, that Dean deserved Cas' love, he would have made a move, he would have done something to prevent Cas' heartbreak. Each time Cas broke, Dean broke with him. But without fail, Dean would cheer him, would wrap him in a blanket, and remind him that he deserved better. Then, when Cas would fall asleep, Dean would retreat to his room; he would collapse onto his bed, tears falling down his face. The hole in his chest would expand every time Cas started over, dated someone new. And every time, Dean would be his support when it inevitably failed. But Dean was falling apart on the inside; he couldn't do this forever. There would come a day when Cas wouldn't need him to pick him up. He'd have someone else, and Dean would be utterly and completely alone. 

Dean wasn't completely pathetic, however. He had his handful of relationships over the years. Each one flopped, thanks to an undying, unrequited love for a certain blue-eyed, dark haired, compassionate, dorky, caring, sweet, and oblivious best friend. The closest Dean had ever gotten to getting over Cas had been Lisa. She was sweet and sexy in one slim, blue eyed and dark haired person. ( _shut up she did not remind him of anyone, nope_ ). They dated for six months, Dean had even considered moving in with her. But Lisa was too smart, she had figured out what Dean was too cowardly to ever admit. That was the end of it, she told him they both deserved better than second place and broke up with him. Dean kinda gave up after that. 

Which brought him to today. Cas had been looking forward to this date for a week. Michael, the handsome stranger who saved Cas from a falling ladder of all things. Cas would tell the story to anyone who would listen. When he came back to his and Dean's apartment, on their game night at Charlie's, at lunch with Sam and Jess. "As I was walking down the sidewalk, pondering the importance of bees and the cruelty of makeup products, I hear a shout from above me. Suddenly someone grabs my arm and pulls me away. A clattering sound erupts from where I was just moments previous, but I am more distracted by the strong arms around me and the stunning eyes looking at me with concern." 

Just listening to the clichéd tale made Dean want to puke. He wouldn't have been surprised if Cas' eyes turned into actual cartoon hearts. But Dean soldiered through, gave Cas a pat on the back, uttered a "Go get him, tiger!" before disappearing into his room with a bottle of scotch. 

Deciding he didn't want to be here when, or if, Cas brought Michael back here-- which wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened, not that it made it any less painful-- Dean picked up his phone and dialed the contact saved as "Queen".

 

"Sup, bitch?" Came Charlie's chirpy voice after the third ring. 

"Hey, Charlie, wanna grab some beers, have a Star Wars marathon?" 

"When do I not?? Get your ass over here, I'll order some pizza." 

"You're the best, see ya in five." 

With a "you know it" she hung up. 

 

Dean appreciated Charlie; she was his support when he let her. Grabbing his coat and shoes, Dean headed over to her apartment. While he could have technically walked, nothing beat eating asphalt in Baby. 

Charlie provided a welcome distraction. Aside from the sly inquiry ("So the date with the infamous Michael is tonight, right?"), she let him lose himself in the movies. They drank, ate pizza, had a popcorn war, and quoted the movies to each other. Dean was so relaxed he almost forgot about Cas' date. Almost. 

By the time Dean silently returned to his shared apartment, his watch displayed 3 am. ‘ _Hopefully Cas and Michael are either asleep or not here_.’ But as Dean eased the front door open, he could hear the sounds of _The Lion King_ emitting from their living room. Concerned, Dean strode over to find Cas sniffling on the couch, tiredly watching the movie, and clutching a bar of chocolate (that Dean stocked regularly for occasions such as this). Despite another crack in his heart at seeing his love suffer, Dean approached Cas. 

"Hey man, what's wrong? Was Michael that bad?" 

Cas, starting as if he just now realized there was another being in the vicinity, glanced up at Dean with glossy eyes. "It's not even that," he sighed. "Michael was great, he was polite, funny, kind..." 

"But?" Dean prompted. 

"But it just wasn't right, we just didn't click like I had hoped." Cas hid his face in his hands. "I'm tired of this. I'm tired of these relationships. Why don't they work? Am I not enough?" His voice cracked on the last sentence. 

 

Dean felt warring emotions. One part of him was guiltily happy that him and Michael didn't work out. But another, bigger part was cringing, hearing the agony and desperation in Cas's voice. Taking a deep breath, and summoning what little courage he had, Dean crouched down next to Cas. He laid a hand on his shoulder and once he caught Cas' beautiful, but pained, blue eyes, he said, "No, Cas. There is nothing wrong with you; you are one of the best people I know. You're generous, you're smart, you're-you're beautiful, you have so much passion, and you make the best jokes. You're so selfless you don't even know it, you love bees and you hate bullies. You watch Disney movies without shame because that's who you are, you're this badass who takes shit from no one but you also love fairy tales and romance. You're so amazing and you're, you're just you. And anyone who doesn't see that, who doesn't appreciate that about you doesn't deserve you." Dean was breathing heavily after his passionate speech. There was a weighted silence. ' _Shit shit I said too much, I revealed too much, I-_ '

 

"Then why does no one love me?" Cas' heartbroken voice broke through the panic that filled Dean's head. So shocked by the question, Dean shot up and started pacing. 

"You're wrong, Cas you're so wrong." Wall to wall, Dean paced, "how can you not see it, man? You are so loved, by Charlie, by Sam, by Jess, by Gabe-" 

"You know that's not what I mean! I have you guys of course, but-" Cas interrupted.

"Cas you have so much love, you are so loved, how can you not see it??" Dean paced and paced. 

"By who, Dean? By who!" 

"Me!" 

 

The exclamation caused Cas to fall silent, he stared at Dean in shock. "You've always had me, Cas. Since we were 16 and you made me hold a funeral for the bird we found dead on the sidewalk. Since I knew what love was and that you were it. You made me feel whole. Your compassion, your sarcasm, your eyes, you, Cas. I've always loved you." After a heavy pause, Dean stopped his pacing. He ran his hands through his hair. "And I'm sorry that I'm shitty friend, that I'm telling you this when you feel most vulnerable. I'm sorry that you didn't ever feel loved, even though I love you so much it's tearing me apart." 

Cas stood up, cautiously, the ridiculous sounds of Lion King, their backdrop. "Dean, I- I never knew." 

Laughing self-deprecatingly, Dean replied, "Yeah, man, I know." Visibly pulling himself together with a deep breath, Dean looked up at the still shocked Castiel. "Look, I'm not telling you this cause I expect you to reciprocate. I know life isn't like a Disney movie, I don't expect anything from you. I just, I-," he sighed and looked down at the floor, "can we still be friends? I haven't messed up our friendship that bad have I?" 

Dean raises his eyes once more, but they're shiny, full of pain and heartbreak. "I think I'm gonna stay with Sam for a bit. Just to, uh, ease the tension. Call me when- er, if you wanna still be friends." With a final nod to himself, Dean swept away to his room leaving a stunned Cas behind, still trying to process what had just happened. 

After shoving some clothes and toiletries into his duffle, Dean walked back out, only to find an empty living room, even The Lion King had been turned off. While he held no expectations the Cas would wait around to say, well, anything, the rejection still stung. Who knew he had anymore heart to break. With a heavy heart and a long sigh, Dean left the apartment. ' _Here's to maybe finally moving on_ '. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Absence makes the heart grow fonder... hopefully

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, there is swearing; still not apologizing for it. Also, Fair warning: Dean's head is kinda messed up; he (canonically in my opinion) has major self-worth issues and that is reflected in his thoughts (which are italicized), so if that stuff is hard to read or could be a problem, I'm sorry, but maybe this isn't the fic for you. Stay safe friends. 
> 
> One more disclaimer: I am slightly delirious from sleep deprivation, so I haven't exactly edited this chapter yet...
> 
> Now without further ado, I present Chapter two, enjoy!

Cas sat on his bed, replaying the events of the evening in his head. The date itself hadn't been all that bad, however the disappointment that it wouldn't work out just seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Cas had fallen into a loop of self-pity, questioning whether he would ever find love. Then Dean came back (' _where was he, why was he out until three? Was it a hook up?_ '). He was so sweet, as always. Then he confessed that he's in love with him, with Cas, a mind blowing thought in and of itself. Though, thinking back on the waver in Dean’s normally so confident voice caused Castiel to drop his head into his hands. He couldn’t comprehend the enormous truth that had just been dropped into his arms. _'He loves me, ME, he's in love with me??'_

While a part of Cas wanted to deny it, another part claimed that it made sense. Dean's short and failed relationships, his smiles that sometimes didn't quite reach his eyes. The way his face flashed through sadness and disappointment before quickly being covered up when Cas would talk about his new lover. These small moments that Cas always confounded Cas but were eventually brushed aside, as Dean had always seemed so happy, so normal, now came flooding back. Had Dean really been in love with him all this time? And more importantly did Cas love him back?

The thoughts swirling in his head combined with the exhaustion of his emotional roller coaster caused Cas to fall asleep on his covers, date clothes and all.

* * *

 

Because it was near 4 in the morning, Dean drove aimlessly rather than head straight for Sam's. While he drove, the images of tonight's disaster flashed before him. Cas' heartbroken face, then his stunned look. The empty living room as his only goodbye. Would he ever talk to Cas again? Would they ever be the same? ' _Stupid! Stupid!_ ' Dean berated himself. ' _Ten years you keep it contained, you keep your best friend close, and enjoy what you can get, and you decide to blow it all to hell, because of what? His sad eyes?? You're so dumb, it's no wonder Cas could never love you back. Good thing you're leaving his life now, he deserves better._ '

Dean's knuckles on the steering wheel were as white as a sheet. He jerkily pulled the Impala into the shoulder. He beat the wheel and screamed his lungs out. He gripped his hair and yanked his scalp. As quickly as the anger came, it evaporated, leaving nothing but the shell of a man who gave his heart away and is left with nothing but a gaping hole. Slumping over the steering wheel, defeated, Dean wept.

As the sun rose, Dean dried his tears and drove to his brother's house. By the time he arrived it was just past 6, when Sam usually awoke for his run. Pulling into the driveway, Dean was numb. His head felt like cotton and he wasn't even sure he could feel all of his limbs. He just wanted to lay down and pretend this was all just a bad dream.

Knocking on Sam's door, he heard a responding bark from inside. After a some shuffling noises, the door swung open to reveal sleepy ~~moose~~ man. "Dean? What're doing here so early? Is everything alright?"

"Hey Sammy, what a big brother can't just drop in on his little brother and his wife and dog for no reason?" Dean quipped with a trembling smile.

"Not at 6 in the morning." Noticing Dean's exhausted expression, Sam grew worried. "Dean are you alright? Is Cas okay?"

At the mention of his (ex)best friend, Dean only became more weary. "Not really, Sammy. Is it cool if I crash here for a bit?"

"Of course, Dean. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"What are we gonna start braiding each other's hair too? Pass." Dean scoffed.

With an exasperated sigh, Sam led Dean to the guest room, where Dean promptly collapsed onto the bed and was out like a light. Sam removed Dean's boots and tucked the blanket around his brother's body. ‘ _Cas, what have you done to him now.’_

* * *

Waking up with a slightly fuzzy head was not the most pleasant way to arise, Castiel decided. But the events of the previous nights were still fresh in his mind. Maybe it was all just an awful dream. However, once the reality of the situation was made clear by the eerie silence that had settled over the flat, Cas wished he could just go back to sleep and pretend none of it was real. Unfortunately, it was all too real. Dean was gone, maybe forever. No, Cas was sure their friendship, if nothing else, would survive this. Though if they would return to being the best friends they always have been still remained in question. Cas was grateful, in part, that Dean left to stay with his brother. The space would give Cas room to figure out how best to react to Dean's confession. Another part of him ached, not only with the absence of Dean, but also of the though that Dean had been carrying this burden by himself since he was 16. Dean should never have to hurt like that, he didn't deserve it. Cas could not bear to add to his distress, therefore was determined to come to a decision as soon as possible. With this goal in mind, Cas resolutely got out of bed and dressed for the day.

His resolve was only shaken by the oppressive emptiness that was the rest of the apartment. It was so intense that Cas faltered in his steps upon exiting his room. However, Cas knew begging Dean to return now would be too cruel as he had no more answers for Dean than he did himself. Squaring his shoulders, Cas stepped out of his apartment, prepared to keep on with his life while contemplating his own heart. ' _For Dean._ '

* * *

It’s been two days. Two days of absolute silence from Cas. Dean held no fantasies that Cas would want him like Dean wanted Cas, but he had hoped Cas would at least still want to be his friend. ‘ _Yeah, fat chance of that, after you revealed your pathetic crush on him. It’s not like you have a lot to offer him anyway, I’m surprised he stayed with your worthless ass this long._ ’ Ignoring the ever present mockery, Dean took another swig of his beer. He lost count of how many beers he’s had since he, the coward that he is, ran away to Sammy’s. Sure, Dean truly did want to give Cas his space after his embarrassing confession, but he really couldn’t face the rejection he knew was sure to follow. ‘ _Not that this wall of silence was any better. God, you’re pathetic. So what, the love of your life probably hates you, it’s not like you don’t deserve it._ ’

“Shut up, just shut up!” Dean knocked his head against his fist in a feeble attempt to escape the constant torture. Of course just as Dean finishes off his nth beer do Sam and Jess decide to return from their shopping trip (that apparently required both of them despite the fact they returned with very little groceries. They were probably discussing some Dr. Phil crap to help him feel better, and fuck if that didn’t make him feel even more of a burden on everyone).

“Dean, you alright?” Sam asked with concerned laced in his voice.

“Fucking peachy,” Dean grumbled in response. “Are you sure?” Sam asked as he gently laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Fed up with the persistent pestering, Dean shot up from the couch and stormed towards the kitchen. “If one more person asks if i’m OK, I’m gonna start throwing punches!”

 

Dean threw his empty beer bottle into the recycling bin, slumping over as the anger fled his system as quickly as it had come. Dean once again found himself burying his head in his hands. ‘ _I just miss Cas._ ’ Dean almost wishes that he had never opened his big mouth, at least then he could keep Cas in some way. Even if that way meant he’d lose a piece of himself with every date Cas went on. Before he could lose himself in this downward spiral once more, he was interrupted by the delicate clearing of a throat. Looking up, Dean saw Jess warily watching him. Dean straightened up and slid his mask into place, as if she hadn’t just witnessed his defeated posture moments before. “What can I do for you, gorgeous?”

“Dean, cut the crap,” Jess boldly stated, “You don’t need to pretend anything for my sake. I just wish you would tell us what is going on?”

Darting his eyes from her piercing gaze, Dean rubbed the back of his neck as he searched for an appropriate explanation for his behaviour. “It’s nothing, just a fight with Cas, you know how it is," Dean (lamely) decided upon.

With a sigh, Jess replied, “I thought I told you to cut the crap. I know this is nothing like your usual fights. You’re much too quiet. And broody.” Jess added levity in hopes of bringing a smile to Dean’s wearied face. Though the corners of his mouth twitched up, his eyes remained lifeless.

“Honestly, Jess, it’s nothing. I just need a few days away is all. Don’t want you or Sam to worry about me.” the smile accompanying this statement reached nowhere nears his eyes. Saddened, Jess replied, “Dean, we love you, and no matter what, Sam and I will always worry. We just want you to be happy.”

‘ _But how can I be happy without Cas?_ ’

“I know,” Dean simply replied as Jess pulled him into a hug. And if a few tear slipped past his defenses and into her hair, well that was their business.

* * *

After a week of mechanically going through his daily ritual, Cas ached with the absence of his best friend. The silence that greeted him as he awoke juxtaposed the shuffling of Dean in the kitchen. The blasting music was absent from shower time. There were less dishes, less food. No more little notes on the fridge “need more salsa” or “good luck with that asshat client :)”. Cas had never realized how much Dean was a part of his life. Only now that he’s gone did Cas truly appreciate what Dean meant to him.

The truth was, Dean’s void left a cavernous abyss in Castiel’s chest. The thought of never hearing Dean’s voice, or never becoming enraptured in his full-body laughs, or never seeking comfort in his arms tore Cas apart. But despite his despair, Cas was unsure whether he was in love with his best friend. He could not and would not put Dean through the pain of false hope. Thinking on his muscled arms, strong chest, and bowed legs, Cas was definitely able to admit that Dean’s physique had played a part in his spank bank.

But his radiant smile and his captivating eyes had more often haunted his dreams. ' _Did that mean he loved him?'_

Tired of pondering the same question all week, Cas decided he needed a break, and maybe he’d have fresh eyes, to speak, when he returned. Grabbing his shoes and a set of keys, Cas promptly exited the apartment and headed to the nearby park. Strolling along, watching the various people and animals that inhabited the park was enlivening to Cas’ troubled mind. Catching sight of a young duckling struggling to catch up with its mother reminded Cas of Dean’s confession.

 

//"You've always had me, Cas. Since we were 16 and you made me hold a funeral for the bird we found dead on the sidewalk. Since I knew what love was and that you were it.”//

 

Shaking his head as if to dispel the memory, Cas trudged on. Finding a nearby bench, Cas sat. one of his favorite pastimes was to people watch. He found freedom in imagining and predicting the pasts of those who walked past. ‘ _That woman is a businesswoman, I guarantee it. But she looks flustered so I’m guessing she has an important meeting coming up.’ ‘He misses his dog, judging by the wistful glances._ ’ as time passed, the more wild his guesses would become. ‘ _That man just escaped from prison is now looking for his next victim.’ ‘the hot dog vendor is secretly an alien from outer space, trying to figure out why humans would choose to eat such unhealthy atrocities that actually don’t contain dog (despite the name)._ ’ Snorting out loud at the absurdity of his imagination, Cas found himself turning to his right to tell Dean about it. But upon finding only an empty seat, Cas’ smile plummeted.

Then it hit him like a bolt of lightning. There was no one else in the world that Cas would rather share this with than Dean. Dean was the one who Cas would always turn to, share his jokes, stories, everything with. The only one Cas would ever share everything with. It was no wonder all his other relationships failed when a part of him relished the comfort Dean always selflessly provided. He never found love with his other partners because he already loved someone else.

Cas knew he loved Dean, but now he knew he was in love with Dean. He wanted to jump with triumph, cry in sorrow, but most of all, he just wanted to kiss Dean. He wanted to wrap Dean in his embrace and never let him go. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Dean-- and if that wasn’t a terrifying thought. The anguish in Dean’s eyes flashed before Cas, deflating his elation. First, he had to fix things with Dean, beg him to forgive him for being too slow, for never noticing what was in his own heart.

With a renewed purpose, Cas rushed back to his apartment. He had to win back the love of his life after all.

* * *

 

Sam watched with a heavy heart as his big brother napped on the couch. He was a zombie, dragging himself to work, then back here, then sleep, repeat. Sam was at a loss. He hadn’t seen his brother like this since Cas started dating Balthazar. Even then, he was right again in days. Now, Dean just seemed trapped in a pit that no amount of coaxing or threatening could help him get out. Sam knew only one person was capable of making his brother this way.

Sam’s phone started ringing. ‘ _Speak of the devil…_ ’

“Hey, Cas,” he greeted.

“Sam. I need your help,” the deep voice of Cas rumbled through the phone.

“Well I need answers. Like, what did you do to my brother?” Sam growled

“Sam, please let me explain. If you still don’t want to help me then, then I will you all alone.” Cas promised.

Sam sighed and rubbed his forehead, “Alright, let’s hear it.”

* * *

 Dean woke up groggily. The first thing he did was grab his phone, just in case he may have missed any calls or texts from a certain blue-eyed man. The pang of disappointment that accompanied the blank screen was nothing new, however. ‘ _What time is it?_ ’ Glancing down at his watch, the numbers flashed 7 pm. The house was dim and empty, though he could hear the soft snoring of Sam’s dog Bones. Curios for this time of day. Getting up and stretching out his sore back, Dean numbly walked to the kitchen to scrounge up some dinner. On the fridge, a note from Sam was pinned.

“Dean, don’t ask, just text me when you wake up”

Nonplussed, Dean pulled out his phone and texted Sam.

 

To: Bitch

Dude I just woke up ?

Sent at 7:06 pm

 

From: Bitch

Perfect, head down to Luciano’s

Received at 7:06 pm

 

From: Bitch

Oh and go take a shower first, dude, you stink

Received at 7:07 pm

Shrugging his shoulders and sniffing his shirt, Dean conceded Sam was right. Despite the cryptic message, . Dean did as Sam directed. Exactly one shower and shave later, Dean walked out of Sam’s door around 7:30.

While the thought of having a nice dinner with his brother cheered him somewhat, Dean was still heavy with the loss of his best friend. Everyday, every moment Dean felt his absence like a missing limb-- no, a missing organ. On the surface, he looked all the same as before, albeit thinner and more exhausted; however, below the skin he felt like he was crumbling inside. He longed to see Cas again, to hear his voice, even if as nothing more than his friend. But every day that passed without a word from his ex best friend was another nail in the coffin. At this point, Dean was resigned to the inevitable. He should really start looking for another apartment, though the thought made him want to curl up in a ball and go back to his torturous dreams. His sleep offered him no reprieve either. Dean would much rather the recurring nightmares of losing Sammy or watching his mom die, at least he was familiar with those. But no. since his brain hated him, Dean suffered much worse. On the nights that he could sleep, his brain was flooded with images of Cas. Of Cas and him together, baking a pie, making out while it cooled, watching a Harry Potter marathon, or on especially hard (pun intended) nights, more steamy situations which always left Dean a sweaty, frustrated, and even more depressed mess. The worst part wasn’t the dreams. It was in waking, remembering that he could have none of that, ever. Dean struggled in having to get up every morning and pretend that the thought of living the rest of his life without Cas by his side wasn’t tearing him apart from the inside.

A sharp rap on his window startled Dean from his melancholy musings. He looked up to realize he had not only driven to Luciano’s, but had also been so lost in thought that he had likely been sitting in his idling car for several minutes now. A concerned but also irritated Sam was peering through the Impala’s window with his eyebrows raised in silent question. Waving him off, Dean opened the door and stepped out onto the curb.

“What’s with all the secrecy, Bourne?” Dean queried as the brothers stepped into the restaurant. Sam let a small smile slip, “Trust me, Dean, it…” the rest of his words were drowned out by the blood rushing through Dean’s ears when he caught sight of a messy black haired man seated at the table they were headed straight towards. His heart was in his throat as he dared to hope that it was his Cas. ‘ _His Cas? He is your nothing, not even your friend after your piteous performance_.’ The ever insisting voice in his head caused Dean to falter in his steps, unsure that even if it were Cas that Dean was strong enough to face him and his inevitable rejection. Only the urging of his brother’s hand on his back pushed him those last steps to the table.

* * *

Upon hearing the approaching footsteps, Cas stood and faced his Dean-- ‘ _Wait, his?_ ’-- and had the breath stolen from his lungs. While he had sorely missed Dean with every minute, his woeful appearance caused Cas to ache in ways he hadn’t known were possible. Dean’s cheeks were slightly more hollow, the bag under his eyes more pronounced, the clothes on his body were looser. However, the most tragic, his eyes were missing that spark that was so Dean that Cas nearly didn’t recognize him. This shell was nothing like the vibrant and caring man he was proud to call his best friend. That Cas was the one to do this to him brought tears to his eyes.

“Hello Dean.” Cas intoned, his voice barely making it past the rock that seemed to have lodged itself in his throat. Absently, Cas saw Sam slip out of the restaurant. Cas witnessed as Dean, a man taller than himself, curled up defensively, as though expecting to be hit. His heart continued to throb. "Heya, Cas," the man mumbled.

Clearing his throat and trying to remember if things had ever felt this awkward with Dean, Cas gestured for them to take their respective seats. The two friends stared uncomfortably at their menus until the waiter took their order and left with their shields against each other.

"So, I-"

"How are-"

The men spoke at the same time only to both abruptly fall silent.

' _G_ _od, this is awkward._ '

"You said it, buddy." Dean responded in agreement.

Widening his eyes resisting the urge to clamp his hand over his mouth, Cas moaned, "I said that aloud, didn't I?"

For the first time that evening (and that week), Dean let out a genuine laugh. The mirth on Dean's face caused Cas to join in. Just like that, the tension was broken. The two friends volleyed quips and insults back and forth like nothing had happened. Their banter carried through to an easy conversation while they waited for their food. Even after their meals arrived, the conversation continued to flow and the mood remained light. Yet, beneath the surface, both were bursting with the words they wanted to say to the other.

* * *

 

By the time the check came and went (Cas insisted on paying, as he was the one who technically set this up), both men were filled with nervous energy. Dean, tentatively hoping that he and Cas could remain friends, if nothing else. Cas, unsure of how to broach the topic that loomed over them. Instead, he suggested they go for a walk.

The tension only thickened in the silence of the night air and near empty street. Picking a random direction, Cas chewed his lip as he continued to come up with the most suitable way to declare his love.

Dean, unable to hold back any longer, grabbed Cas' arm to bring them to a stop. When Cas looked questioningly down at his hand still connected to the other's arm, Dean shoved both hands in his pockets as if to prevent any further touching without his permission. "Look, Cas, you gotta level with me. Tonight's been nice, God knows I've missed you." Dean's cheeks flushed at the unintended admission. "But, I'm getting mixed signals here man. Do you still wanna be friends? Or was this a goodbye?" The crack in Dean's voice at the end of his question only served to bring back the lump in his throat that Cas had finally rid of over dinner. It was Cas' turn to reach out and grab Dean's arm. The sudden movement caused Dean to break his staring contest with the ground.

"Dean! Of course I want to remain your friend, so long as you should have me." Cas paused, trying to remember the speech he had planned and memorized. Despite reciting it over and over again, his mind was blank. "Dean, I- fuck," Cas exasperatedly broke off and paced away. "I, just, I wanted you to know.." All his carefully planned words escaped him, making him only more desperate for Dean to understand what he was trying to tell him. Sighing heavily, Cas dropped his head in his hands.

Confused and concerned, Dean approached slowly, as if he were a frightened animal. "Cas, it's ok, I think I get it." Cas looked up with so much hope in his eyes. "You're my best friend, Cas, and you always will be. Don't worry about how I feel, because all that matters is that you're willing to continue to be my closest friend, right?" now Dean looked so hopeful that Cas wanted to cry.

"No, Dean that's not what I meant!" Cas' frustration at his own inability to communicate came lashing out at Dean. Looking even more broken than before, Dean breathed out a soft, "Oh" before slowly turning away. "I understand, I'll have Sam come pick up my stuff from our--your apartment" Dean spit out in a monotone.

Just as Dean started walking away, Cas frantically called out to him. "I'm in love with you!"

 

* * *

 

' _Of course he doesn't want to still be your friend, stupid of you to even hope otherwise._ ' Dean berated himself, once again, for opening his heart to Cas. It's not like he blamed the guy, Dean was a worthle--

"I'm in love with you!"

The words stopped Dean in his tracks. _I'm in love with you!_ Was this some kind of trick? Surely Castiel wasn't that cruel. _I'm in love with you!_ Did he pity Dean? But he could have just said "I love you", not specifying a romantic love.  _I'm in love with you!_ Could it be true? Dare Dean hope what he never let himself hope in before? _I'm in love with you!_

"What?" Dean asked dumbly as he whipped around to face Cas. Surprisingly, Dean saw nothing but determination and honesty in his best friend's face.

"I. Am. In. Love. With. You." Cas spelled out as he stepped closer to Dean. "And I'm so sorry it took me so long to realize it." Cas was now just a breath away from Dean's shocked face. Dean was sure Cas could hear his erratic heart beats and feel his shallow breaths.

Dean was helpless to do anything but stare at Cas; he wondered if this was another one of his torturous dreams.

"But Dean, I have always been in love with you, I have just been too blind to see it. I knew I was physically attracted to you, of course, who wouldn't be. But I never knew how much I loved you until loving you wasn't an option anymore. You opened my eyes with your confession, but your absence opened my heart. I realized all the things I loved about you that I had taken for granted. I realized how much I missed your obnoxious singing or your inappropriate jokes. I missed your sleepy smiles in the mornings and your gruff goodnights in the evenings. I missed times when we would fall asleep on the couch together and I would awake wanting nothing more than to have that for the rest of my life. I missed every flaw and perfection that made you who you are. And the thought of never having you like that, or even having to share you with someone else someday, devastated me. I realized that everything I had been looking for in past partners I had already found in you. So, please, Dean give me a second chance. I am in love with you and I love you and I will tell you every day if you let me. I know I do not deserve your forgiveness for all the agony I put you through, but if you could find it in your heart to--"

Cas was abruptly cut off by a pair of lips crashing into his. Dean was in ecstasy. This was everything he dreamed he would never have. He couldn't contain himself enough to let Cas finish his ramblings. He surged forward and eagerly kissed the one pair of lips he constantly fantasized about. The sensation was far beyond his fantasies, however. Cas' lips were soft and inviting beneath his own. But when Cas began to kiss him back, Dean might have actually died and ascended into heaven; there was no way reality was this beautiful. Yet, the feeling of Cas pushing him against the brick wall at his back was both very real and very arousing. After only dreaming about this moment for _years,_ Dean reveled in the feeling of Cas eagerly returning his affections, kiss for kiss. he reveled in the way he was allowed to touch Cas now, to hold him, to kiss him. when they finally separated for air, Dean breathed out, "Please tell me this is real."

Reverently stroking the side of Dean's face, Cas replied, "Real." Dean broke Cas' hold to give one of his full body laughs, Cas joining him shortly after. 

"Dude I can't believe you just made a Hunger Games reference!" Dean felt lighter than he could ever remember feeling before. Still chuckling to himself, Dean grabbed Cas' hand (' _he could do that now!_ ') and dragged Cas back towards Baby. 

"Where are we going?" Cas inquired, wanting to get back to making out with his new boyfriend.

"We're gonna make up for lost time," Dean lewdly responded, wiggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

When Cas tightened his grip and growled, "Then we'd better hurry," Dean knew that Cas was the man for him. 

 

A year later, the ring on Cas' finger let the rest of the world know. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER 
> 
> ok holy shit did that have a lot more angst than planned! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and please please please let me know your thoughts in the comments below!


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